Breaking down the definition of emotional abuse and taking a closer look at each part can help people get a clearer idea of what it is and if it is occurring in their relationship – an important first step in ending the abuse.
Definition
Emotional abuse is an ongoing pattern in which one person uses non-physical means to assert power and control over another to the detriment of the targeted person.
Emotional abuse is an ongoing pattern…
In healthy relationship, couples occasionally do or say hurtful things, but in abuse the hurtfulness is habitual. If words like consistently, regularly, habitually, repeatedly, and/or frequently describe how often hurtful events happen in your relationship, you are likely experiencing the ongoing pattern that defines abuse.
In which one person…
In emotional abuse, one person regularly communicates disrespect and disdain toward their partner, even when there is not a conflict.
When there is a conflict, it is generally not the typical give and take of a heated argument. The abuse usually occurs with little or no provocation, or the level of anger and aggression are way out of proportion to the preceding events.
Abused partners often feel startled and confused by the abuser’s level of irritation, hurtful statements, and angry outbursts, and they tend to invest a great deal of time and energy trying to figure out what is going wrong in the relationship and what they can do to make things better.
While one person is systematically undermining the relationship, the other is struggling to make it work.
Uses non-physical means…
Emotional abusers target the other person’s emotional and mental processes instead of directly harming their body. Some of the more easily identifiable tactics emotional abusers employ are rageful yelling, name-calling, and making threats. In addition, they may control the finances, who the partner associates with, where they go, and how long they stay.
More subtle tactics include ignoring, blaming, derailing conversations, consistently criticizing the other person’s decisions, and emphasizing their mistakes and flaws while diminishing their abilities and accomplishments.
In addition, emotional abusers typically use gaslighting which includes undermining their partner’s confidence by repeatedly minimizing and invalidating their ideas, feelings, reactions, and perceptions.
These more undercover tactics can make it hard for abused partners to recognize the abuse for what it is.
To assert power and control over another person…
Experts agree that an impulse for power and control is what motivates abusers to denigrate their partners 1.
Whether they are driven by extreme insecurity, anxiety, misogyny, family of origin experiences, addictions, narcissism, or other psychological conditions, abusers meet their own psychological needs by systematically demeaning and dominating their partners.
To the detriment of the targeted person.
Often, emotionally abused people think that because they have never been hit, they haven’t been abused. But people who have suffered both emotional and physical abuse say that the emotional abuse was more devastating and had longer lasting ramifications than the physical abuse. For instance, emotional abuse frequently leads to high levels of depression, anxiety, despair, shame, suicidality, and complex PTSD. It also lowers self-worth; increases self-doubt; and decreases the ability to concentrate, make decisions, and problem solve 2.
Additionally, emotional abuse often harms the body indirectly because it can lead to stress related ailments such as chronic pain, lowered immune function, elevated blood pressure, heart disease, inflammation, obesity, headaches, ulcers, spastic colon, and gastro-intestinal problems 3.
Consequently, it is important for a person’s physical as well as emotional and psychological well-being to be able to identify emotional abuse so they can begin the healing process. The Domestic Violence Hotline and/or a therapist experienced in treating partner emotional abuse are invaluable resources for people who suspect they are being abused and are looking for help.
Citations:
- Bancroft, 2002, 2011; Engel, 1990, 2002; Evans, 1996; Lachkar 1998; Loring 1994.
- Loring, 1994.
- Coker, et.al., 2000
References:
- Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? New York, NY: Berkley Books.
- Bancroft, L. (2011). Should I Stay or Should I Go? New York, NY: Berkley Books.
- Coker, Ann & Smith, Paige & Bethea, L & King, Melissa & McKeown, R. (2000). Physical Health Consequences of Physical and Psychological Intimate Partner Violence. Archives of family medicine. 9. 451-7. 10.1001/archfami.9.5.451.
- Engel, B. (1990). The Emotionally Abused Woman. New York, NY: Fawcett Columbine.
