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Is It Supposed to Be This Hard?

Telling the Difference Between Emotional Abuse and the Hard Work of Relationship

"I never thought of it as abuse."

Most emotionally abused partners don’t know they are being abused. They know that they are dealing with a difficult relationship and wonder, “Is it supposed to be this hard?”

This life-changing book helps people make sense of their situation by:

  • Exploring the difference between emotional abuse and the hard work of relationship,
  • Helping emotionally abused partners understand themselves more and judge themselves less by showing how unconscious relationship patterns, subtlety, and denial make emotional abuse hard to identify,
  • Outlining steps people can take to recover from abuse, find their inner strength, and engage in better self-care.
Arguing Couple
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Is It Supposed To Be This Hard Mockup - Eric Hoffer Award Finalist 2023 for Excellence in Independent Publishing

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Finding freedom from abuse, and the path to recovery

Of the twenty-eight people who tell their stories here—including women abused by men, people from the LGBTQ+ community, and heterosexual men abused by female partners—all have taken steps toward healing, and over half have gone on to enjoy healthy relationships. Along with compassionately presenting their experiences and the wisdom they gained on their path to recovery, this book provides insightful self-reflection tools to access hidden truths about emotional abuse, leading to greater clarity, inner trust, personal empowerment, and ultimately freedom from abuse.

Woman In Sunlight
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US Review of Books Recommended

“This excellent and informative book is written by a professional in the field of counseling who demonstrates significant knowledge about emotional abuse and all of its permutations…. It is a must-read for those who wonder about or realize that they are in an abusive relationship. It also will be a valuable book for therapists.”
— Carol Anderson, D.Min., ACSW of US Review of Books

Recent Blog Articles

Young Couple Arguing.

Is This an Argument or Emotional Abuse?

It’s not always easy to know whether recurring conflicts are part of a healthy relationship or signs of emotional abuse. This article explores how abusers shift conversations into arguments through tactics like changing the subject, invalidating their partner, stonewalling, and using anger to gain control. Understanding how your partner responds when you bring up a concern can help you tell the difference—and take the first steps toward clarity and healing.
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Confusion Anxiety Frustration4

Tell-Tale Signs of Emotional Abuse: Confusion, Anxiety, and Frustration

While physical abuse leaves evidence like bruises or broken bones, the tell-tale signs of emotional abuse, like the abuse itself, are harder to identify. Some indicators are an ongoing sense of confusion, anxiety, and/or frustration.
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Power Imbalance

The Power Imbalance in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

Emotionally abusive relationships are built on a subtle yet destructive imbalance of power. Unlike physical abuse, this imbalance takes non-physical forms, such as control over finances, dismissal of a partner’s thoughts and feelings, or manipulation of trust.
Read more