While physical abuse leaves evidence like bruises or broken bones, the tell-tale signs of emotional abuse, like the abuse itself, are harder to identify. Some indicators are an ongoing sense of confusion, anxiety, and/or frustration.
Confusion
Many of the tactics emotional abusers use lead to feelings of confusion in the abused partner.
- Manipulation is using undercover means to influence another individual’s behavior without their knowledge. Even though people may not be fully aware they are being manipulated, they often have an uneasy feeling that something is amiss. They just can’t put their finger on what it is, creating a sense of uncertainty about what is really going on.
- Gaslighting is a particular kind of manipulation in which abusers strive to undermine another person’s confidence in their own perceptions, reactions, thoughts, and/or judgements. Sowing self-doubt and disorientation is precisely the point of gaslighting.
- Denial is an intricate part of emotional abuse and another source of confusion. It is disconcerting when someone denies doing the hurtful things they have done. Sometimes partners are confused because they aren’t sure whether or not to believe the abuser. But even when they are not deceived by the denials, it is perplexing trying to figure out how to communicate with someone who refuses to acknowledge reality.
- Since healthy couples sometimes do things that are hurtful, and abusers sometimes show a more loving, caring side, abused partners often feel unsure whether they are being emotionally abused or are just doing the hard work of relationship.
In the midst of their uncertainty, abused people often use the phrase, “trying to figure it out.” They spend a great deal of time trying to figure out what is going on with their loved one, what is going on with the relationship, what is going on within themselves, and what they can do to make things better. In fact, repeatedly using the phrase “trying to figure it out” can be a clue that a person is dealing with the confusion that is part of emotional abuse. Figuring out that their partner is an emotional abuser is a good first step on the road to recovery.
Anxiety
Confusion and anxiety go hand in hand. It is understandable how never being sure of what is going on in your most intimate relationship could keep a person on edge. Another source of anxiety is the ongoing unpredictability in the relationship.
- Unpredictable anger is a favorite tactic of emotional abusers. Their anger often shows up with little or no warning and seems unprovoked and disproportionate. It has been described as being like a drive-by shooting, or like living with a sniper. When a person is never sure why or when an emotional assault will happen, their life is filled with an underlying sense of trepidation.
- Another way anger creates anxiety is when it seems to be on a low simmer. It is just under the surface and might erupt at any time. Emotionally abused people repeatedly find themselves in a state of high alert as they try to figure out what might set the abuser off so they can take care of it before there is an explosive incident.
- While abusers have a habit of blindsiding their partner with anger, they often do it in other ways, too. A sudden sharp retort or mean comment, unfounded accusations, taking offense without a reasonable explanation about why, and suddenly changing plans without notice or explanation are just some examples of blindsiding. Living with a randomly changing set of circumstances leaves a person feeling off balance and uncertain about what to expect next.
- In addition, most emotionally abusive relationships have periods between the abuses when things seems to be going well. Never knowing when their partner will switch from kind to cruel is another source of ongoing anxiety.
As a result, it is not unusual to hear abused people say, “It feels like I’m walking on eggshells.” If you are regularly surprised by unexpected and unprovoked hurtfulness from your significant other, if you avoid discussions because they frequently turn into conflicts, if you have a feeling of dread when the topic can’t be avoided any longer and you rehearse what to say in hopes of preventing a confrontation or blow-up, you are experiencing anxious reactions to abusive tactics.
Frustration
Even when emotionally abused partners finally brave the storm to bring up an issue, it is rarely resolved because abusers typically frustrate them by sabotaging communication. While they often use anger to shut down conversations, there are a variety of other tactics they use to avoid dealing with the topic at hand.
- Refusing to engage by avoiding eye contact. They will look at their phone, the TV, the mail, or anything else they can think of to show their disinterest in what the other person is saying.
- Bringing up irrelevancies to derail the conversation, often starting an argument about a completely different topic.
- Challenging the other’s right to bring up the topic with phrases like:
- “Why are you bringing that up now?”
- “Are you crazy? Why are you complaining about that?”
- “You’re too sensitive, too demanding, too unrealistic.” Any number of criticisms might go here.
- Blaming the other person and refusing to acknowledge any responsibility.
- Unilaterally ending a conversation by declaring it is over or walking away and refusing to talk about it again, even after a cooling off time.
- In addition to sabotaging communication, abusers have a habit of sabotaging plans by breaking promises; feigning incompetence or a misunderstanding; making their partner wait for long periods of time; and/or making excuses for not following through with agreements.
These are just some ways emotional abusers create frustration in the relationship.
Another marker for emotional abuse is the phrase, “I’ve tried everything I can think of… to get the relationship to work, to make things better, to understand my partner.” Abused people can reduce their frustration and find a clearer path to recovery when they realize that things aren’t getting better because the relationship is actually working for the abuser just the way it is. As long as they have power and control, abusers don’t want the relationship to change, and keeping their partners frustrated, confused, and anxious is one way for them to feel in control.
Check in with yourself. Do you have a persistent sense of confusion, anxiety, and frustration in the context of your relationship? Do you often use phrases like, “I keep trying to figure it out,” “I feel like I’m walking on eggshells,” and “I’ve tried everything I can think of?” Even if things are good part of the time, those reactions are not a regular part of healthy relationships, but they are signs of emotional abuse.
A therapist versed in emotional abuse and/or the Domestic Violence Hotline can help you learn more about emotional abuse and how it might be affecting you.
