- It can be very difficult to tell the difference between emotional abuse and ordinary relationship conflicts.
- Asking, “What usually happens when you bring a complaint to your partner?” can often reveal whether you’re dealing with a typical disagreement or emotional abuse.
- Among the many ways abusers shift from a conversation to an argument are changing the subject, invalidating the partner, stonewalling, and using aggressive anger.
Disagreements and conflicts show up in most relationships occasionally. Even in healthy partnerships people may initially be defensive and emotionally reactive, so it may take several attempts at communicating before couples find a way to resolve the problem. While that process can be frustrating and stressful, both partners ultimately move toward a solution rooted in mutual respect and shared effort.
Emotionally abused individuals usually think they are going through the same process as they struggle to have a mutually respectful and productive conversation with their partner. But an abuser’s true goal is power and control, not resolution. To that end they use a variety of strategies to block communication, often shifting the encounter from a conversation to a conflict.
Therefore, one way to tell the difference between the typical arguments most couples have from time to time and emotional abuse is to explore what happens when you bring a complaint to your significant other. Do they engage with you in cooperative problem solving, or do they change the subject, dismiss what you are saying, stonewall, and/or use aggressive anger?
Changing the Subject
One way abusers might change the subject is by twisting the other person’s words or purposely misunderstanding what was said so they can create a conflict about an unrelated topic.
Another technique is focusing on a minor detail that has no bearing on the point and starting an argument over that.
A third method is bringing up something the partner did, shifting blame onto them and then attacking them instead of addressing their concern.
In this process the original topic gets lost in the chaos of an argument and is never addressed.
Invalidating the Partner
Invalidation is a form of gaslighting in which abusers declare another person’s observations, experiences, thoughts, or feelings to be wrong, and therefore not worth discussing. Saying dismissive things like:
- “You don’t know what you are talking about,” or
- “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or
- “Most people don’t think/feel like that. You’re nuts!” are just a few examples of invalidating statements.
Condescending or ridiculing statements and passing complaints off with a joke are other ways of invalidating a person.
This tactic often successfully disempowers emotionally abused people and shuts down communication, resulting in unresolved discord that festers. But when partners hold their ground and insist that they have a legitimate point, a heated argument is likely to ensue. However, abusers make sure it is not about solving the problem. They make it about whether or not the other person has a right to bring up the problem at all, ignoring their main concern.
As abusers continue refusing to acknowledge the issue, they may resort to stonewalling.
Stonewalling
In an abusive situation, stonewalling is a passive-aggressive ploy used to avoid engaging with another person. The stonewaller may avoid eye contact, or sit cross armed with a condescending, resentful, or stern gaze. Or they may utter one-word responses or grunts that are designed to show disinterest and a refusal to talk. The silent treatment or walking away are other forms of stonewalling.
By consistently frustrating their partners’ attempt at having a productive conversation, the abuser increases the tension in the situation which often leads to an angry exchange.
Yelling and Anger in a Conflict
There are times when people in otherwise healthy relationships have disagreements that aren’t easily resolved. They get angry and sometimes they yell. But even in the midst of an intense argument, loving couples still try to communicate with each other, and both people respect the other’s right to an equal say.
By contrast, abusers use anger and yelling to silence, punish, or intimidate their partners. The goal is to stop two-way communication and end the discussion. Abused individuals frequently give up because they feel threatened, overpowered, or hopeless about being heard and solving the problem.
Summary
Conflicts are a part of every relationship. Noticing how your partner responds to them can help you distinguish between emotional abuse and a typical argument.
When they are handled with mutual respect and open two-way communication, working through disagreements can help couples come to a better understanding of each other and reduce resentments that eat away at the health of a relationship. Once the conflict is resolved, they usually feel closer and more loving.
When conflicts are handled with the power-over approach of an abuser, communication is stymied and problem solving is derailed. Frustration and resentment grows, and the emotionally abused person usually comes away from the encounter feeling more hurt and distant from their loved one than they did when it began.
Therefore, one of the most revealing questions to ask when trying to determine if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship is, “What usually happens when you bring a complaint to your partner?”
The Domestic Violence Hotline and/or a therapist experienced in treating partner emotional abuse can help you discern the difference between a typical argument and emotionally abusive tactics.
